![]() “The second is to be able to do that and then share it with someone else, even if you think it’s going to be hard for them to hear. “One is being able to get in connection with yourself, look inside of yourself and figure out what you think, feel, desire, prefer, believe, separate from what anybody else wants you to think or feel or desire,” she says. “The more people you add to that unit, the more complicated it becomes and the more strain you put on the relationship long-term.”įor those who are interested in exploring it, however, Kauppi starts by working with clients on three skills, which she says help with what’s known as self-differentiation. “I caution against adopting this ideology due to the fact that it only complicates an already complex unit,” says Bridgette Reed, a marriage and family therapist from Dallas. Others advise against it for exactly that reason, especially with high-profile marriages, which are already tricky to maintain. “If this is truly a situation where the couple has mutually decided to open their relationship, then it’s a boon that de Blasio has time on his hands, because these relationships tend to require a great deal of time-consuming and emotional conversation in order to work out well for both people,” says Daphne De Marneffe, a therapist from San Francisco and author of The Rough Patch. Many couples who try to date while married do not realize how laborious it will be. Read More: Single at 40? Blame the Economy “And there has to be rigorous honesty and vetting.” “They both have to be really on board and have to be thoughtful,” says Tatkin. He says it’s important to have discussions about “what could go wrong, and what do we do if it does, and how are we going to do this so that we remain intact.” The couple has to work out how to make sure they don’t hurt each other and often the levels of honesty and responsibility have to be just as high, if not higher, as in monogamous couples. “The successful ones do it with care and with thoughtfulness,” says Stan Tatkin, a Los Angeles-based therapist and researcher whose latest book is In Each Other’s Care. Most therapists say such relationships are workable but take a lot of effort, openness, and communication. “I’ve been getting questions about it for many years in my own private practice, and have overflowed, which is why I teach therapists to work with it, so I can do a referral.” She adds that a large chunk of her clients have been married, as de Blasio and McCray have, for 25 years or more. “It’s definitely a growing thing,” she says. Martha Kauppi, a Madison, Wisconsin-based therapist who specializes in non-monogamous and polyamorous couples, trains others on counseling clients about the issue. ![]()
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